I have, like, thirty-seven writing degrees. I also have a few opinions about the Disney parks.
Even though these opinions are sincere, well-intentioned, and objectively true, they are perhaps ever-so-slightly hindering my growth as a spiritual being.
I was thrown out of Magic Kingdom for replacing all of the children in it's a small world with Jack Sparrow animatronics.
I was thrown out of Epcot for drag racing on Test Track. (I got my Corolla up to sixty-five miles an hour!!)
I was thrown out of Hollywood Studios. I entered the Toy Story (Midway) Mania! building and shot everyone (...with pies, LOL).
I was thrown out of Animal Kingdom for siphoning gas from Chester and Hester's gas station. They didn't care that I was resuscitating the dinosaurs in the petroleum!
I threw myself out of California Adventure, because, uggh.
I was thrown out of Disneyland for not believing in Pixie Hollow. That was the worst of them.
So I'm rehabilitating. It's time to be positive. It's time to use my, like, fifty-three writing degrees for Good.
It's time to have a happy blog.
Instead of dwelling upon the Disney attractions that disappoint me, I’ll speculate about the Disney attractions that I’d like to see.
Pure Imagineering will attempt to be constructive. Maybe that's unrealistic, since some ideas are unsalvageable...but I'm hard-pressed to name one. It's not like there's a Little Mermaid-themed restaurant where they serve seafood.
Pure Imagineering will attempt to be creative. Not every movie needs its own attraction. I believe that theme parks should offer immersive experiences, not DVD commercials. Let Shareholdeering worry about synergy. I will only adapt a franchise into an attraction if the franchise merits the adaptation.
Above all, Pure Imagineering will be fan fiction. It will be sincere, well-intentioned, objectively true fan fiction.
And, with luck, it will be the Happiest Disney Theme Park Fan Fiction Blog on Earth.